I want someone who leaves me alone
I want someone not with me, but around me
Maybe because they found me, not just because I found them
Because we found each other to each of our likings
And apart from each other, we are a part, of each other’s other
Not a smothering, mothering, passive aggressive covering of
Another grudging, resented hovering
But a taste of new, true, purely felt, duely held and coveted loving
No ring
but instead a dead silence broken only by red lips
And the way they sing
Smiling kindly, eyes wide, bright and sparkling like the night sky
A sea of shining surprises, so vast, you couldn’t count them if you tried
And all the times inside, minding banished life and shattered pride,
Lied to again, and again, and again,
By friends, relatives, village people, vaporous villains
Fold linens crisp as fucking fitting in,
Why?
When there was this, all along,
Stronger than a somber song,
Softer than a morning yawn,
I HATED all that god damn, fucking nothing,
Futile furious struggling,
Against what? An ugly duckling stuck in puddles juggling,
Just to prove he’s only just as simple, stupid, cross,
Lost and toughing it out,
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT LET ME SHOUT
I CAN’T STAND THIS SHIT.
I lost it.
I had it and I lost it, now it’s gone.
I tell myself its torn away, but know it’s on my shoulders
Smouldering cinders whispering on my lawn.
It was too good too late,
Just in time to see it break into a thousand pieces,
See, the creases in my bed sheets tease me,
I know what was just there.
And every second that I stare, wary of the subtle stabbing glare of my reflection
I can’t collect my thoughts without a lesson from him
YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, HOW DO YOU GODDAMN DARE?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, A MONSTER, OR A TAUNTED FLAUNTING
HAUNTED PAWNED TEDDY BEAR?
ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING IN THERE?
Sometimes, honestly I’m not.
I’m not in here, I’m not out there,
And anywhere I am is one of many lands I plan to be at peace and in serenity stand
But never can.
Can never seem to reach, nor leap nor sleep to,
The harder that I beat against me the less it seems to mean
And all the more that I can’t stand the teachings, less the beast that makes me who I am.
But not only, not all of it you see.
Because of you, for thee I pray and wait
For though we’ve never met, and though in meeting you my heart will break
Because before I know what name you’ll take in marriage,
Whether coach or carriage suits your taste, I dread
Of waking in such a state of non-belief that I can barely breath
At least, a dream is some relief,
Because even though it ends, the time you’re with it may repeat,
If you believe that it will come again with sleep.
But if I free the real me
And one day you appear, I fear, in my reality
And see that I am not appeasing
In a cherished barely fleeting meeting I could only wish
Might be.
Then what could be, or theoretically mean a possibility of some relief,
if not for what I see to be the me I know as thief and beast?
You won’t even be a crease in my bed sheets,
Just an empty place where my heart would have been.
Please, please don’t let it be.
Trees may shed their leaves but I don’t
Priests fall to their knees but I won’t willingly,
Bees and attractive couples fuck beautifully but I don’t,
I only sweat, and hate, and masturbate
to creases in my bed sheets.
Because anything I ever really, truly wanted
Turned into air within a breeze,
Carried off to where I can’t see, or dare to stare even if it pleased me
Thoughts, release me
Weary of this harrowing pair between myself and my disease
I can at least appease my feelings
Despair is only truly terrible
When it tears a hole in something that was really there
And so I fear that if wear a smile
Piled up beside my wasted opare will sit a sign,
“He died, nothing more than child”
And if you find me then,
Perhaps its better,
Right now I’ve less potential as lover
Better find another, but keep me, please, as friend
I’d offer you my heart,
But I’m afraid,
That what I say will only hurt you
In the end.
The love I have for you would shrink, did it offend.
Because the way I feel for you,
Is the only thing,
I can’t pretend to do.
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